A common DM I receive from people when they see the photos of my guy and I. We humbly receive the kind intentions and hopeful aspirations, yet we want people to know our truth when it comes to creating the level of intimacy, depth, and connection that we've been able to cultivate.
First of all, I want to state that for both of us, being in a committed relationship again has certainly been an uncomfortable catalyst for growth. For me, as much healing as I've done since my past engagement falling apart due to that guy cheating, there's still a bit of wounding there that gets exacerbated from time to time. My guy has his past too, and old patterns for both of us have popped up here and there. Seeing the opportunity for growth, we recognized early on that our triggers enable us to take a deeper look at what is no longer serving us or still needs to be healed, thus giving us the chance to release the old programming we’ve held onto. Our primary keys for moving through our old programming are courageous communication and the ability to hold space for one another.
The ego often likes to lead when either one of us is triggered, but our commitment to looking inward allows each of us to take full ownership of our role in any situation. Step by step, layer by layer, a conscious relationship is a challenging relationship (in a good way). It allows us to mirror up to one another, speak our truth devoid of fear, and call “bs” when we see it. It also allows us to hold high standards, and high accountability. Our commitment is to move past any of our own fears or insecurities in order to do what is in the highest good for our team has served us well.
This is not at all how either of us operated in past relationships. This time, we decided we wanted to do it differently, so we laid a foundation for the relationship based on 3 core values. We made an agreement to be HUMBLE, OPEN, and TRANSPARENT (HOT). In addition, we keep God at the center of our relationship. We start every day together on our knees in order to obtain a physical, mental, and emotional posture of submitting to God. This allows us to start the day with an immediate release of our attempts to control.
"Be humble enough to see your mistakes, courageous enough to admit them, and wise enough to correct them. " -Amine Ayad
Between two strong headed leaders with years of knowledge and experience - a passionate coach and a high ranking officer in the US Air Force- submitting can sometimes feel like pulling a sled through mud. This is where humility and self-awareness come in, admitting our own faults and taking ownership instead of blame and doing our best to not take things personally immediately clears the air, every time. This is also where vulnerability comes in, being courageous enough to be seen in your imperfections. On the flip side of this coin, creating a safe place for your partner to be seen and heard is part of this humble practice too. It's taking yourself off your pedestal of righteousness in order to accept them in their humanness, in the same way you want grace and understanding too.
"When you replace judgment with curiosity everything changes."
In every relationship each partner comes to the table with previous "agreements" ways in which they view what's right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable. We aim to flip the script on this "right vs. wrong" thinking and take the approach of asking whether or not something is effective or ineffective. Is this habit, pattern, or thought actually serving us? Leveraging openness, we try to see each other's point of view. When a disagreement bubbles up, rather than making each other wrong we do our best to release the judgment and get curious. He's taught me a lot about asking questions rather than making assumptions. From this space we attempt to create a new conscious agreement or at worst, agree to disagree. Being open goes beyond having an open mind to your partner’s agreements. Being open also requires you to show up fully to the table by openly communicating your needs and feelings. This can be uncomfortable, fear of rejection or even avoidance of having uncomfortable conversations can set in. If you have an inner “people pleaser”, it can often override your willingness to communicate what you need. Being open, like all the practices I'll mention is a choice. It can be much easier for each person to make these choices when they safe and accepted.
"The healthiest couples value transparency over personal privacy." - Dave Willis
Transparency, this is a big one and for us it's synonymous with inclusion. Why does this matter? Transparency breeds trust, and trust is foundation for a strong friendship. Friendship sets a solid foundation for a powerful partnership. You see, everything is touching. We've found that by practicing transparency and inclusion we are able to build a deeper sense of security in the relationship. This allows the walls to come down. When the walls are down you are vulnerable, but that's where the magic is at. That’s where true intimacy is found.
"Both consciously understood and alleviated one another's vulnerable fears - he felt respected, adequate, and desired, while you felt cherished, loved, and protected."
Y'all, we are by no means living these things out perfectly but rather practicing them progressively. We work daily to live out these values, uphold and respect boundaries, and chose “we” over “me”. Please hear this- It's a practice... it's a practice... it's a practice. We are aiming for progress over perfection and we hope this encourages you to set some new standards for your current relationship or future relationship goals and to give your team permission to be a work in progress too.
With much love,